Stepping Out
I went dorm shopping today.
My mom and I, we just tackled it, almost the whole list in one day like champions.
I am now so exhausted I feel sick. I am hiding in my room, away from the world.
Because the world feels like a scary place right now.
It's funny how something you've waited on for so long can suddenly feel so daunting. I want this. I want to go to Moody. This is my dream come true, my prayer answered. God did this. And I have been excited. But tonight I'm less excited. Tonight I am afraid.
I sort of expected to feel this way about moving out--sort of. But I didn't expect it to come as a mild depression, this slow drain of my ability to look forward to what's ahead. It will pass, probably by morning. And yet I find myself glancing back over my shoulder and wanting to weep.
I never expected to feel this way about the end of this year.
My expectation at the beginning of this year was to reach the end and jump into my next step, waving at my gap year with giddy enthusiasm as it faded from my view. "Goodbye, and good riddance!" I thought I would say.
But then the gap year actually happened.
And it filled up. It filled up with long, picturesque drives to my best friends' houses and abundant laughter with a crazy unique group of girls that only God could have put together and nights spent next to the best little sister anyone ever had ever and over a dozen performances and hours upon hours of script writing and a thousand opportunities that I never even guessed at. It filled up with a bunch of relationships that I am not ready to stop investing in yet. It filled up with life, real, messy, beautiful life, and a whole lotta Jesus. I don't feel ready to move on yet.
And yet, here I am, standing on the brink of a whole new chapter. I can see the pile of home goods at the end of my bed and tonight they look a little like wind and waves and I am Peter hearing Jesus call, asking Him to call.
And my foot hovers for just a moment, out of the boat but over the water, and I am sure of this one thing:
Whatever it takes, I wanna be where He is.
I fix my eyes on Him, and take it step, by step...by step.
My mom and I, we just tackled it, almost the whole list in one day like champions.
I am now so exhausted I feel sick. I am hiding in my room, away from the world.
Because the world feels like a scary place right now.
It's funny how something you've waited on for so long can suddenly feel so daunting. I want this. I want to go to Moody. This is my dream come true, my prayer answered. God did this. And I have been excited. But tonight I'm less excited. Tonight I am afraid.
I sort of expected to feel this way about moving out--sort of. But I didn't expect it to come as a mild depression, this slow drain of my ability to look forward to what's ahead. It will pass, probably by morning. And yet I find myself glancing back over my shoulder and wanting to weep.
I never expected to feel this way about the end of this year.
My expectation at the beginning of this year was to reach the end and jump into my next step, waving at my gap year with giddy enthusiasm as it faded from my view. "Goodbye, and good riddance!" I thought I would say.
But then the gap year actually happened.
And it filled up. It filled up with long, picturesque drives to my best friends' houses and abundant laughter with a crazy unique group of girls that only God could have put together and nights spent next to the best little sister anyone ever had ever and over a dozen performances and hours upon hours of script writing and a thousand opportunities that I never even guessed at. It filled up with a bunch of relationships that I am not ready to stop investing in yet. It filled up with life, real, messy, beautiful life, and a whole lotta Jesus. I don't feel ready to move on yet.
And yet, here I am, standing on the brink of a whole new chapter. I can see the pile of home goods at the end of my bed and tonight they look a little like wind and waves and I am Peter hearing Jesus call, asking Him to call.
And my foot hovers for just a moment, out of the boat but over the water, and I am sure of this one thing:
Whatever it takes, I wanna be where He is.
I fix my eyes on Him, and take it step, by step...by step.
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