Grace Makes a Difference

Sometimes, I don't like me.

It's still true, even after my investigation (see "Learning Security"). But I did find answers, and I'm starting to truly understand where security comes from.

Actually, I already knew. At least in my head. Every time I felt inadequate, a little commercial played in the back of my brain: To overcome insecurity, simply find your identity in Christ! This cookie-cutter Christian cure-all is guaranteed to boost your confidence and fix your life! *cue cheesy theme song* Call 1-800-IDENTITY today!

Yeah, no. Even I can admit it: Christian-speak is annoying sometimes. I was fed up with this shallow broadcast. It was time to dig deeper. Still, for most of the summer, I didn't dig deep enough. I asked around a little, but I guess I didn't fully understand the answers. Maybe I didn't want it badly enough. Maybe my heart wasn't ready. All I know is God finally woke me up one night and identity in Christ finally made sense.

An unsuspecting leader was giving me a ride home, as I still cannot legally drive Pedro on my own. Identity in Christ came up, as it often has in the last four months, and something in me snapped. I threw up my hands, desperate, and flung my questions at her:

"What in the world does it mean to find my identity in Christ?! I've heard that so many times and I don't know what it means!"

She responded simply, "Well, who are you? Who is Jessi?"

"Um...I'm a Christian, I'm a writer, I'm a singer, I'm a daughter...I don't know."

"Okay, yeah. But what if you woke up tomorrow and couldn't write anything? Or what if you did something wrong and disappointed your parents? Even then, these things would still be true." And she listed them, those things that would still be true. In Christ, I am loved. In Christ, I am pursued. In Christ, I am a daughter of the King, a princess. In Christ, I have authority. In Christ, I am forgiven, and free, and cherished, and unique, and special, and talented, and beautiful. On and on the list went, and with it came the blessed freedom that understanding brings. Finally, I got it.

It's really true. Even when I can't write, or at least not well. Even when I disappoint my parents. Even when I am awkward, or sinful, or undesirable, God's definition of me--loved, forgiven, beautiful, etc.--is still the truest definition of me. And there ain't nuthin' I can do about it! That's grace!

As always, practice is the hard part. Dozens of times a day, Satan whispers lies and I have a choice--believe them and give into discouragement, or believe truth and be free. On the days when I make the right choice, I live differently. I'm less concerned about what people think of me, more concerned about sharing God's grace with them. I'm happier. I love people more easily. When I truly understand who I am and how I am loved in Christ, I become that person. The Jessi God sees, the beautiful, loved, covered-by-the-blood Jessi, shows herself best when the lies are silenced and she's secure in Jesus' love. And guess what? Jesus died so that could be ALL THE TIME!! Grace makes a difference here and now! It almost sounds too good to be true, and that's kinda the best part. Always, every moment, Jesus invites us to live the better-than-we-deserve, almost-too-good-to-be-true life. All that's left now is to live it.