Hello Again, Part 3

On Saturday, I posted Kia and Jared's "cover photo" on Facebook.

"When they start a band in the backseat..." read the caption. It was a joke, rather insignificant, and still God used it.

"Where are you?" My grandmother was the first to comment on the picture, checking in when she couldn't see us. I explained, and we chatted for a bit, and suddenly I found myself explaining my dilemma. "It's been a little weird, I can't quite figure out where we fit, but I think there's purpose in our being here, so I'm praying He shows it."

"Hmmm," she responded. "I'm praying too!"

When I woke up Sunday morning, there were two more comments, and the first one began like this:

"You guys definitely had a purpose in being here!" Good ol' Jonathon, who I'd looked at yesterday on the tarp and known very little about, turned out to have a voice I trusted. He spoke truth with such assurance; if he was saying we had purpose, we definitely did. "So amazing that you guys were able to go to the retreat," he continued. "You've all been such a blessing. Love you guys!"

The second comment was Kia's:

"We love you guys and are so blessed to have you all here! We are so grateful for you guys!! You are all incredibly encouraging and we all really need it and God is really using your encouragement and kindness to impact others. Thank you."

I didn't know what exactly they could be talking about. I'd had a bad attitude, and selfish motivations, and confused purpose.

Could God really have used me anyway?

...

"I'll take care of you."

He'd said it, and then these comments. I decided to take Him at His word, and live "for them."

So we drove to church.

"Bees!" Even before I saw her, I recognized Corban's call, familiar from nearly every Sunday in summer. I had forgotten how much I missed it.

"Nobody's here," she said as she dished out hugs to Audrey and I, and a high five to my brother.

"They're all tired," I said, looking around. "Hope's here." I nodded to the one other teenager I saw.

"Yeah, Hope's here, I've been hangin' out with her until y'all showed up."

I scanned the atrium again. No sign of the others. I grew a little nervous that last night's lesson would never finish here.

...

"Jessi!"

In the crowd of cousins, aunt, uncle, siblings, and Corban, I could hardly find words to voice my excitement at seeing Leah at last. All that came out was "You!" as I ran up to hug her.

Once upon a time, three weeks after meeting me, Leah had caught me struggling and asked if I wanted to talk. Actually, she kinda forced me--lovingly, of course--to talk, which resulted in me spilling my deepest darkest secret, and us having to either become great friends or never talk again, because now she knew too much. We chose the first option.

She hadn't been there Wednesday, though, nor had she been on the retreat, and I'd worried I wouldn't get to see her before I left.

Slowly, the crowd around us dissolved and we were left lingering in the atrium as the worship band started. We needed an actual time to talk, not a fly-by like this. "Are you free tomorrow, or do you work?" I asked her. "If you're free, we can do something, if you work, I'll come see you."

She laughed a little. "Well, I'm not free, and I don't work."

"Ah."

"Do you...wanna come over for dinner tonight?" she asked.

I hesitated. "I have family dinner, and that's really important."

"Well, when do you leave? Maybe we could do something Tuesday."

"I leave tomorrow night."

She stopped. "What?" All this time, and we still hadn't done something. I felt like a traitor.

"Let's talk after the service and I'll let you know."

I prayed there would be some way to make it work.

...

"There they are." I smiled in spite of myself.

The service was over and most of the elusive youth had congregated in the back of the sanctuary. Kia, Jared, Josh, Conner, Michaela--everybody had emerged from wherever they were hiding earlier.

Leah was not among them. She was still seated with her mother, and I still had no answer for her.

I sat down beside her. "Okay, so I can maybe do something after dinner, like at 7?"

"That's fine!"

"Cool, I'll text you and let you know." The issue settled, I studied her face. "So how are you doing?"

After this summer, neither of us could ask that question without expecting an honest answer. She knew I wouldn't let her brush past it. Within a few minutes, we were joining hands and praying, same as we'd done three months before.

"For them."

I didn't remember it in that moment, but it crept into my life anyway.

...

"Jessi!"

I wish I could type the way my littlest cousin said my name as he ran into my arms that Sunday morning.

"Redmond!" I scooped up all his two-year-old weight, and we stood there, content in each other's company. "How are ya?"

"Good." He smiled a little.

"Yeah, did you have fun at Sunday school?"

"Yeah."

His five-year-old sister Autumn came and stood by my leg. "Jessi?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to see Corban?"

"Uh, sure." I mean, the answer to that question was pretty much always yes, even if I didn't have a good excuse. "Where is she?"

Autumn ran up ahead, and pointed dramatically through the doors to where Corban stood with Michaela. I carried Red over. "Hey." I smiled at them.

"'Sup!" Corban's greeting was enthusiastic as always.

"Hey." Michaela didn't exactly smile; her acknowledgement held something deeper than that. We'd established something over the weekend. At random moments--arriving at a place after riding apart; after a team building exercise; at the end of a session--she'd hug me. And nearly every time, spoken or unspoken, she'd tell me not to leave.

This was one of those moments. We embraced around my cousin and then she looked at him. "I had Redmond in the nursery today."

"Oh really?" It was my turn to look at him. "Were you with Michaela today?"

"Yeah."

"Did you have fun with Michaela? You should have fun with Michaela, she's a fun person."

He didn't readily respond to this one, but it wasn't completely intended for him anyway.

"What are y'all doin' tomorrow?" Corban met my eyes again. "I mean, it doesn't really matter, 'cause even if you're busy, I'll probably come bother you anyway."

I smiled. "Good, you should. But we have nothing planned. Josh was talkin' about doin' a movie night at his house, but I don't know what's happening with that. I'll keep you posted."

"Yeah, just let me know."

...

"Why don't you change your case?" Autumn asked at dinner, looking at my falling-apart phone case.

"Oh, I don't know." I sank into my seat to text Corban about running together tomorrow. "I just...don't care, I guess."

"But she cares about texting!" Ryann, Autumn's eight-year-old sister, hated it when I texted in front of her. It was one of her best qualities, actually, appreciating full attention.

"Okay! I'm sorry!" I tossed the phone on the banister and sat back down, a little rueful. "I was texting Corban." I smiled lopsided, choosing to be present.

For them. I didn't think of it then, but the lesson carried on, washing over all of my life. I was called to be for all of the Body, even and especially the little ones here.

...

"Hey!" Leah smiled wide and opened the door even before I was out of the car.

"Hey!" I followed her in and slipped off my shoes. Her house smelled warm and cinnamony, inviting me to rest.

"What do you wanna do?" I hated this question. Before I could answer, she asked "Do you like tea?"

"Yes."

She thought for a moment. "Do you wanna just have tea, and sit, and talk?"

"Uh, yes." She may as well have read my mind.

I had intended to be there till nine. At 9:30 we were still talking.

"Have you ever seen High School Musical?" Leah asked.

"The first and second, but not much of the third."

"Aw, you haven't seen the third?"

"Bit and pieces."

"Okay, well do you remember the part where the girl said to the guy, 'Sometimes you find a connection, and you're instant friends, like kindergarten'?"

"Yes!"

"That's what this is like."

We talked about dreams, what we wanted to do with our lives, how we both wanted to go into ministry. She told me about equine ministry, how she was passionate about the healing that happens when you put an abused horse and an abused person together. I had a sudden desire to watch her work, to see the beauty of it the way she did. And we talked about husbands, and kids, how scary it was to think of getting married someday and bringing children into a broken world.

"I hope we're friends for a really long time," I said.

She stopped. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes."

"No, I mean, really, beyond a shadow of a doubt, do you mean that?"

I searched my soul a little, sent a prayer up to heaven asking Him to help me mean it and not betray it. "Leah," I said, holding her gaze. "I mean it."

We wandered to the kitchen, knowing it was far past time for me to leave. "I just--I wanna watch you work with horses and people. And I wanna be one of the people you call the first time you find out you're pregnant and you're terrified."

She laughed. "That's not gonna happen for a long time."

"Yeah." I looked at her. "That's why I wanna be friends for a long time."

I realized God's provision in this. I'd surrendered my needs, even my needs for rest and quality time and deep conversation, and He had provided. He truly did take care of me.

She walked me to the door, and I hugged her twice, and that was the end.

The end of the beginning of a long time.

...

At ten the next morning, Josh hadn't texted me.

I debated whether I should text him, or just let it go and run around town trying to see everybody. Finally, I chose the former.

He texted back and said the movie night wasn't gonna work, but we could hang out at a park this afternoon.

"Invite whoever you want," he had said yesterday.

"That could be a dangerous thing to say."

He had given me a look. "I'm a youth pastor. And the kids you would invite are probably mostly the kids I'd see anyway."

So I started a group chat:

"Hey y'all! We thought it'd be fun to get together with you guys one last time before we go back to Chicago, so if anyone wants to/can, we're gonna meet at Cottonwood park between 3:30 and 5 and just hang out. There will be snacks provided. Let me know if you're up for it!"

It sent to over twenty people.

...

"I'll meet you at the corner of Tuckerman and Vickers in like seven minutes...?"

"She's late." I checked my phone and realized it was past time for Corban to be here. Audrey laughed. We were meeting Corban for coffee before tonight's festivities. Living a fifteen walk from each other had its perks.

Finally she came into view. "'Sup!" she called as we met.

"Hey." I smiled. "Sorry it took so long. We were cleaning and packing. You know how much I hate packing?"

"A lot," she assumed.

We walked another five minutes to the coffee shop, listening to Corban recount airport stories. All of us ordered a tea-lemonade, and all of us poured extra sugar into it--four packs each for them, and two for me. And we sat, relaxed in the easy familiarity of friends who had known each other for forever.

The crazy thing was, we hadn't.

I studied Corban. Somebody had commented the other day on how pretty her eyes were, and they'd been right. Her eyes were hazel, and framed in dark, dark lashes. I'd seen pictures of them when she was little, and always they proved that the other, younger person was still her, intense, a little guarded, and ready for anything. She'd softened some since the pictures, though. Already, at seventeen, she had smile lines when she laughed--only because it was often.

She'd been our first friend here, our gateway to everyone else. Throughout the week, I realized afresh what a privilege that was.

Robbie joined us, and we left to pick up Corban's sister Riley from school, just like we had the first day we were here, before heading to the shindig. On the way, Corban forbid us from talking about "last" anything.

Nobody was ready to say goodbye.

...

"Hey, could somebody get water?"

Josh had brought quesadillas for his wife and children, and a garbage bag's worth of chips and salsa for the rest of us, but no water.

Corban volunteered. "Kia, are you coming with me?"

Kia bounded after.

"Can I come?" I called.

"Sure!"

"Aubrey, wanna come?"

"Oh sure!" Aubrey got up and we set off for Walgreens.

"Water's down here." Aubrey and I followed Kia down the aisle, while Corban strolled past.

"Water's down here," we repeated.

"I'm getting tea."

We grabbed a case of water and followed her.

"You guys go pay, I'll meet you." Five minutes later, she joined us in line, arms full of Arizona.

"You, uh, stockin' up?" I asked.

"Josh requested it."

"You want help?" Aubrey and I grabbed a couple cans each, and then I moved forward to pay. Corban waited a moment in relief, and then looked at me.

"Wait, you can't pay for this," she said, taking back the cans.

Kia laughed. "You know her so well."

I had planned on paying for it if necessary, but not simply because I was generous. Truly, I figured Josh might reimburse us for it. "Isn't Josh gonna pay you back?"

"No." She looked me straight in the eye. "He never pays me back."

"Oh." Now it was a game--how much kindness would they let me get away with? I smiled a little when Corban told the cashier the cans were separate. She juggled both bags. "Do you want help?"

Aubrey grabbed a bag before I could.

Corban flashed me a wry smile. "No."

"C'mon guys!"

They laughed at me.

"Kia, do you want me to take the water bottles?"

"Nope, I'm good."

"Guuuyyyss!"

More laughter. We drove back to the park and as we got out, Corban dropped one of the bags.

"Nooo!" We both scrambled for the cans. She beat me to it, and laid down on top of them.

"Corban, just let me be nice!" I tried to reach underneath her.

"Here, you carry my keys." She dropped the emptiest key ring ever in front of me, and lifted the cans away. I rolled my eyes and picked up the keys.

...

"Hey we gotta head out, I'm sorry guys."

"The kids are just so cold!"

I hugged Nicole, Josh's wife, and assured her she shouldn't worry.

"So glad you guys came." Josh wrapped me in a strong hug. "And we'll talk about being more involved."

We chatted a moment about future missions trips, and summer leadership opportunities, enough to give me hope.

Enough to remind me that God had plans for us yet.

...

"Do you guys wanna move to the playground?"

It was getting cold and standing exposed in the open field wasn't working for us. We all agreed it was time for a game of groundies.

I picked up the water bottles.

"You want me to carry those?" One of the guys offered.

"No!"

Kia laughed from her spot nearby.

Another guy came over. "You want me to grab those?"

"No, I wanna feel helpful!"

"Here." He tossed me a piece of trash, and took the bottles.

I sighed and looked after him, defeated. "Fine."

Michaela came and put her arm around me. "You're not allowed to leave."

I pulled her close, and wished it was true.

...

We spent far, far too much time at the park, and by the time we all finished, we were late and shivering. After losing a game of ninja, most of the girls piled up on a bench, holding each other close for warmth.

Robbie got out, then Jared.

"I'll start my own pile!" Jared called. "Come on, Rob!" He ran and half-jumped onto Robbie. We laughed.

"That's--almost cute," said Jess, "but then..."

I chuckled. "But then--no."

Once ninja was over, the time had come.

"Hey everybody, let's pray for the Bee family!" Ryan said it; I was grateful.

"All right guys, circle up." We joined hands. "Ryan'll pray for us, and then I'll pray for you guys."

"Does anybody else wanna pray?" Ryan offered.

Kia and Michaela volunteered. We bowed our heads, thanked God for each other, prayed for bonds to be formed and sustained. They prayed for the money for our return, and for assurance that they loved us and were there for us. I prayed that they wouldn't lose this bond when we left. We opened our eyes and I looked around and knew it:

In whatever unusual way God intended, we had an undeniable place here.

...

The sun set as we picked up the last of the food. I stacked two boxes of salsa and held them with both hands.

Jess came up. "Here," she said, taking one box. "I'll take this..." She put her arm around me. "So we can do this."

We strolled ahead of the others.

I will take care...

"You're one of the best friends I've ever had," she said.

"Same, Jess. Seriously." I thought through the week, those soulful looks and her radiant calm, every missed moment, and finally, my heart settled. God was faithful. I had believed...

But now I saw.

...

Every time I looked at Kia, she dodged eye contact.

"Is it time?" she finally asked my sister when we had given everyone hugs.

I looked into those sapphire eyes, and this time she didn't shy away. "It's time."

I held her long, felt her breathing, her life, against mine. "I love you," I said.

"I love you, too." She let go, stepped away.

We breathed apart, but still we breathed.

...

Michaela and I had decided our minimum daily number of hugs was four. Today, we'd decided, we needed to double that number, just to hold us over.

Corban dropped her off before us, and I got out to say goodbye.

We hugged tight, but not long, tired of goodbyes. "Nine," she said with a slight smile.

"Goodbye sister!" Audrey said, hugging her.

We called and waved until she disappeared into the house. Then we drove away.

...

"Nobody has time for long goodbyes!"

Corban was done, as persnickety as a grumpy old man.

I frowned at her, questioning why.

"Well, I'm assuming I'm gonna see y'all again." She gave me a quick hug. "Goodbyes are forever." I knew enough of her story to know she spoke from experience.

I hugged Riley goodbye, and we agreed to text soon.

I turned to give Corban one more hug. "Thank you. For everything."

She avoided my eyes, brusk in her sadness. "Ditto."

And then we flew into the house, parted once more.

...

We said "I love you" for days after.

The last time we left, I worried they'd forget us.

This time, I anticipated what God wanted to do.

Corban said it first, in a Facebook comment: "Love you Bees! Y'all definitely have brought a huge light and encouragement that I think we all needed. Y'all's faith in God is inspiring, and each of y'all have so many incredible qualities that I absolutely adore! Love y'all to middle earth and back! See ya soon!"

"I don't know about you guys," Jared texted me later, "but it seems like this time you guys left more blessed, and left us with more of a blessing, than when you guys left in the summer...It's weird, but you guys kinda helped us bond as a group but in a non-cliquish way."

And today, Jess told me over FaceTime, "I have a reason for you being there."

I waited.

"It was for us."